When life gives you lemons instead of a successful pregnancy
To write about things that have happened to us, is having to relive it. In some cases we love it. I remember the first time I kissed Garrett. The first time we said I love you. I remember my first days in NYC. I remember the birth of Lewis, the first few days, when it was just him and I in the hospital. All those memories are so near and dear to my heart.
Lately I’ve been just trying to forget. The last couple months have been a slew of emotions. Excited, to timid, to unbearable disappointment, Then confusion, more disappointment, failure, fearful, denial. And some I don’t even understand the meaning of.
Garrett and I started to try to have another baby. I was full of hope and excitement. Honestly, I expected to get pregnant right off the bat. Lewis was not a planned pregnancy after all. So when I saw the little blue line, and feel my body start to change, we were thrilled. Only to be reminded that no matter how hard you try to control life, sometimes the universe has another plan. I thought I was miscarrying on thanksgiving. And after multiple blood tests it showed that the pregnancy was growing. A trip to the ER in Houston, and two ultrasounds later, the doctors found an ectopic pregnancy. I remember hearing the term “ ectopic pregnancy” but of course it wouldn’t happen to me. A healthy 25 year old who has had an easy pregnancy and baby before. But that’s what it was. One minute I was pregnant, and the next my whole life changes. The likelihood of having a healthy pregnancy after this is 55%. My stats immediately changed, my time frame changed, and plans inevitably changed.
So then the treatment. I wanted to avoid surgery at all costs. So we started with one dose of methotrexate, and the numbers continued to increase. One more dose and finally they started to go down. The medicine was two injections in my hip/backside area. I lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks. I was unable to keep anything down for the first 24 hours and complete loss of appetite the week after each injection. I was no longer thinking about the baby I lost. But I was thinking about saving my body for future babies that I want. This all started to happen in November and now its middle of January and my counts are still not 0. I’m constantly questioning aches and pains, and my lifestyle is different. No working out, no eating greens (folic acid) and of course my hormones are a blend of crazy. I am a believer on some greater plan, but right now I feel DEFEAT! It’s not fair!
But day by day, life moves on I’m healing. Emotionally and physically. I got back my weight, my appetite is in full force, and after a two week mandatory alcohol “detox” (the dose of methotrexate is a lot on the liver) I’m allowed to enjoy my glass of red wine again. I took a soul cycle class last week and almost burst into tears at how good it felt. And I know I’ll gain my muscle back too. The hope of having another child is still strongly instilled in my heart. And I no longer fear that I won’t be able to. I believe I will get pregnant again, but even if I didn’t, this whole process has taught me to slow down and take a look at what’s right in front of me. And that is a adoring little boy who makes me stop time more than anything. A lovely husband to be, who I know will stand by with anything that comes our way. He is my rock and I am his. I feel so fortunate to have found this in life. Lewis has a big brother already who is patient and kind with him. And who continues to teach him brotherhood. I have a house where I feel at home. A property that I look forward to seeing change every season, for years to come. A pup who is as cute as she is annoying. (jk charli girl love you) Friends who will hold me when I feel like my life is ending. Family who drops everything to take care of me. I even take my fitness less seriously as I feel so lucky to be where I am in life. And time is precious. Especially with my little one.
So many women go through things like this. This journey has been life changing for me. And if I didn’t tell all the women in my life what had happened, I would be in this cloud of not knowing and confusion. Everyone waits 12 weeks to tell about their pregnancy. Chances of the pregnancy being healthy are more likely at this later date. Why is this not talked about? Why aren’t we here for each other with the successes and the defeats. That’s what I want, and I know women are capable of. We are strong creatures. What happens to all the moms who do lose their babies. Or go through things like I just have? They keep it to themselves. They carry this burden with their husbands, who no offense, never will understand what it’s like. I say this is when I needed my mom tribe most.
I’m here for those moms. I’m here for the women. With children, without, pregnant, or not. Life is not easy, but it’s what you make of the battles that makes you who you are.
Ladies lets stick together.
If anyone has any questions through this time in my life, please feel free to reach out.